Criminally Moronic Tales

Sept 27, 1999

WRONG PLACE/WRONG TIME
A Greensboro, NC police officer leaving work one evening noticed an interior light on in a car parked near the police department. Upon investigating, he discovered a drunk who had broken into the car, grabbed a handful of change from the ashtray, and passed out in the front seat. Bad choice: the vehicle was an unmarked Greensboro patrol car. The officer said the hapless thief was unconscious with the change in his hand and his head resting on the police band radio.

WRONG PLACE/WRONG TIME PART II
A drunken pedestrian in McKenzie, Tennessee flagged down what he thought was a passing cab and told the driver "Let's go!" His ride turned out to be a police squad car on its way to the city jail. So while the man didn't get the ride he expected, he did end up where he needed to be.

HEY Y'ALL WATCH THESE!
A well-endowed Kansas woman -- who was also quite intoxicated -- decided to lift her shirt and expose her "charms" to a passing train. Unfortunately, the flirty flasher got a little too close, and was sucked into the side of the train by the wind. She ended up with two broken arms and some facial lacerations, and was later charged with criminal tresspassing.

SO I LIKE SOUVENIRS -- IS THAT SO WRONG?
A man in Ypsilanti, Michigan was arrested for drunk driving. During a computer background check, police discovered he was driving with a suspended license. While in the squad car, he also engaged in a little petty larceny -- he stole a pair of police handcuffs. The theft was discovered a short time later while the suspect was being frisked at the police station.

LEVELLING THE PLAYING FIELD?
Sherrif's deputies in San Francisco have called a halt to a jailhouse law course that they say teaches inmates how to conceal crimes, thrwart police investigations, and avoid arrest. The class included instructions on how to avoid talking to police without an attorney being present, how to prevent police with search warrants from entering one's home, and how to avoid being manipulated by the "good cop, bad cop'' style of interrogation. In at least one class, inmates were advised to avoid stealing from larger department stores because they have better security, according to deputies. The classes were being funded by a donation from a former inmate. The civil rights attorney who taught the courses defended the curriculum, saying "Rich people who can afford their own lawyers get this information sitting in fancy offices. What I was trying to do was level the playing field a little bit."

A DUMB CROOK NEWS SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT REPORT: DUMB INMATE LAWSUITS
- A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

- A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

- A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

- An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

- An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

- An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogaine for his baldness.

- An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

- An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

- A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

- And a Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for 5 million dollars on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the 5 million.

THANK GOODNESS YOU CAME BY AND -- UH OH...
A man in Hermiston, Oregon spent 40 anxious minutes locked in his car's trunk. The police officer who arrived to rescue him ended up taking him straight to jail. Police say the man was in the trunk changing into a disguise after robbing a branch of U.S. Bank when he accidentally locked himself in. He was "rescued" by a police officer who was walking by and heard his cries for help.

YOU'VE HEARD OF CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE? WELL...
What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto in Sao Paulo, Brazil. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. Unfortunately, since they shared portions of the same circulatory system, when Roberto died, Marco soon followed.

AND FINALLY...
Two Panama City, Florida police officers suffered minor injuries when their patrol cars collided on their way to a robbery call. The crash caused an estimated 40-thousand dollars in damage to the two cars. The officers no doubt took some ribbing after the incident: they were rushing to investigate a holdup at Ce-Ce's Donut Hut.