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Criminally Moronic Tales

August 23, 1999


OKAY BABYFACE, THAT'S FAR ENOUGH
A six-year-old boy went on the lam recently after escaping from a day care center in Fairfield, Ohio. The kid found his way to a second-hand toy store, where he hot-wired a battery-powered Monster Truck to use as his getaway car. "He hooked up the battery, took off the price tag and rode away," the store owner said. The pint-size fugitive traveled nearly a mile through heavy traffic on a busy state highway just outside of Cincinnati before he was recaptured.

NOT THE KIND OF "BONUS" HE HAD IN MIND
A man brought three pies to the checkout at a grocery store in Oswego, New York recently and asked if they would be cheaper if he used his frequent shopper's bonus card. The clerk said yes, and as she was scanning the card, the man flashed a gun and demanded money. He left the store with $600 cash, but police were able to arrest him a short time later because his bonus card had helpfully entered his name and address into the store's computer. The suspect's name is...Jesse James IV.

DANG -- I THOUGHT THESE LOOKED FAMILIAR!
Police in Beckley, West Virginia had received several complaints about car break-ins at a hotel parking lot, so they decided to set a trap. The cops placed unclaimed merchandise from previous thefts inside several trucks parked at the hotel. The suspect arrested in the case was attempting to steal the same set of tools that had been used to convict him in a robbery case two years ago.

ATTACK OF THE FLAMING IDIOT
A man ran up to the Federal courthouse in Talahassee, Florida and heaved a lighted can of gasoline at the front door. The attacker only did minor damage to the front of the building...but did manage to set his own feet on fire. Witnesses say the flames sent the mad bomber running for a large fountain across the street from the courthouse.

READY FOR TAKEOFF
Landscapers preparing to plant wildflowers at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago brought in several loads of compost and topsoil and dumped it along the runways. A short time later, an enterprising amateur farmer snuck onto the airport property and planted several marijuana plants in the rich topsoil. The plants took off and were growing rapidly when one of the airport landscapers noticed them. The gardner was arrested when he came by to tend his plants at about the same time the cops showed up to investigate.

TOLDJA THAT STUFF WOULD MAKE YOU STUPID!
Guards at a prison in Quebec, Canada spotted a man standing between the prison's stone wall and an outer fence. Thinking he was trying to escape, the guards detained him. They soon discovered the man was not an inmate and was carrying a large amount of illegal drugs. The man finally admitted that he was trying to break into the prison, thinking there would be a good market for his drugs there. He'll have plenty of time to find out -- if convicted, he faces a sentence of up to 14 years.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS...?
A 19-year-old student in Copenhagen, Denmark, trying to hack into a computer he'd selected completely at random, picked the wrong target in a big way. Danish authorities say the computer the student tried to crack belongs to the head of the Copenhagen police department's computer-crime task force.

MAYBE WE COULD TAKE 'EM TO THAT BIG BUTT-KICKIN' CONTEST...
Thieves in Colombia, South America broke into a store and stole 756 shoes on display inside. even though their haul was valued at $25,000, it's unlikely that the gang will be able to sell the shoes -- since they're all for the right foot. the store's manager says the matching left shoes were safely locked away in a storeroom.

WHO SAYS THERE'S NOTHING GOOD ON TV?
A Nebraska man whose conviction on obscenity charges was overturned by the state court of appeals lost again when he went before the Nebraska Supreme Court recently. The case involved lewd acts the man performed while appearing on a public access tv show as a character called "Crotchey the Clown."

SORRY TO DO THIS, LULU -- BUT ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE THE RAP
A man from Halltown, West Virginia was apprehended following a car chase that ensued after he was caught breaking into an adult video store. Authorities said the man stole several X-rated blow-up dolls and "other sexual devices," and started throwing the loot out the car window when a state trooper got on his tail.

AS SEEN ON THE "CROTCHEY THE CLOWN" SHOW
A man in Buffalo, New York was arrested after a complaint by a women who had answered the man's babysitting ad. When she arrived, the man told her that the baby was...himself. The man handed the woman a typewritten sheet of instructions on how to change his diaper. Police say they found other copies of the instructions in the man's car, along with a large diaper. The suspect told investigators he'd found the baby-sitting ad was "a great way to meet women."

FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A...WHOOPS!
A 350-pound man entered a jewelry store on Long Island, New York and pointed a gun at the clerk. During the robbery, the man tripped and fell to the floor of the store. Witnesses say he was still trying to get back up when police arrived to arrest him.

NOW HERE'S A GUY WITH A BIG WEEKEND PLANNED...
Police arrested a man and charged him with shoplifting a variety of items from a Wal-Mart in Valdosta, Georgia. According to a published report, among the items recovered were a package of chicken livers, a video copy of the movie "Smokey and the Bandit," and a home pregnancy test.

RETURN OF THE LIZARD KING
Police in Schwerin, Germany, arrested a 36-year-old man after he tried to pay his hotel bill with...an iguana. They said the man, whom they described as "clearly disturbed," was receiving "medical attention," and that they had found two more iguanas he had left behind at another hotel.

AND FINALLY...
A former hotel cashier in Bangkok, Thialand was convicted of embezzling $12,000 and sentenced to 865 years in prison. Because the man cooperated with the court, his sentence was later reduced...to 576 years.


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DUMB CROOK NEWS 1999 John Boy & Billy Inc.
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