Criminally Moronic Tales

August 03, 1999

CARJACKER STICKS IT TO HIMSELF
Most people who can't drive a stick shift end up in a driver's education class. A would-be car thief in Charlotte, North Carolina ended up in jail instead. Police said the suspect tried to carjack a Mercedes in a grocery store parking lot, but was thwarted by the car's manual transmission. While ordering the car's owner, at gunpoint, to assist him, the man tried for ten minutes to drive away from the grocery store, hitting a shopping cart, a retaining wall and another car in the process.

SMILE! YOU'RE ON ATM CAMERA!
A Kingsport, Tennessee man was arrested for beating up an A-T-M machine with a tire iron. When the man discovered the A-T-M wasn't working and wouldn't return his card, he allegedly got the tire tool and attacked the machine. Authorities say the suspect vandalized the A-T-M for 20 minutes, causing damage estimated at more than $10,000. He was arrested after police recovered the A-T-M's video camera, which recorded the entire attack.

MALE BONDING IN THE MILITARY
Staff Sgt. Chris Orman at Robbins Air Force base in Georgia is a die-hard NASCAR and Dale Earnhardt fan. His Ford Pinto even sports a black paint job with Earnhardt's number 3 on the side. Or at least...it did until recently. While Orman was in Italy during the Kosovo bombing campaign, his buddies in the 19th Aircraft Generation Squadron repainted it to look just like Jeff Gordon's car -- a true insult to the hard-core Earnhardt fan. The pranksters replaced the Pinto's black paint with Gordon's trademark rainbow color scheme and number 24. One of the culprits said the four-day painting session was a real team effort, with various squadron members pitching in to help tape windows and run the spray gun. He called the prank a "great morale booster."

SOCK IT TO ME
Three employees were leaving an athletic shoe store in Winston-Salem, NC when a man jumped into their path, pointed a pistol, and yelled "Gimme the money." One of the employees, the store's assistant manager, was carrying two bags -- one with the store's night deposit, and one with some socks he'd just bought. He dropped one of the bags in front of the robber, who grabbed it and ran. When the assistant manager realized he was still holding the night deposit bag, he threw that toward the thief as well. "He didn't even look around," the victim said. The employees picked up the money, ran back to the store and called 911. Winston-Salem police are investigating the case as an armed robbery, even though the suspect got socks instead of money. In the words of one investigator: "That's the way it goes. The life of crime is not always perfect."

NUDE AND IMPROVED CROOK IN CRIME SPREE
A 41-year-old ex-marine from Allentown, Pennsylvania known to police as "The Naked Bandit" has pleaded guilty to robbing a string of convenience stores while in the nude. Cops say the suspect stole $400 from a roadside mini-market while completely naked except for a pair of underwear on his head. Days later, two cashiers handed over the money to the rosy-cheeked robber before bursting into laughter as he fled. One investigator explained the man's naked aggression: "He said the last time he did some robberies, he had clothes on and was identified by his clothes."

FROM OUR "HELLO...BOING?" DEPARTMENT
A man wanted along with his wife for a Marietta, Ohio, bank robbery was recently nabbed by the Huntington, West Virginia police. The man called 9-1-1 to find out if there were any warrants out against him. There were, so he hung up. The operator immediately traced the call back to the couple's hideout and alerted the police, who swooped in to make an arrest.

HIT-AND-RUN STREAK COMES TO AN END
Newport, Delaware police didn't have any trouble tracking down a suspect wanted for leaving the scene of a traffic accident. The impact of the crash ruptured several paint cans in the bed of the suspect's pickup, leaving a trail of paint four miles long that led right into the parking lot of the his apartment complex.

COME TO SUPERCUTS...OR DIE!
In Cambodia, hundreds of young women rushed to get haircuts recently after a rumor spread through the capital of Phnom Penh that King Sianook had dreamed of an "evil god" who would come to earth and demand the sacrifice of thousands of long-haired virgin girls. Police now say the rumor was apparently started by Cambodian barbers looking to increase their business.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, HE'S UP TO #4 ON THE DUTCH CHARTS
A Dutch court handed a man 20 months in jail and a $2,000 fine for jamming the police radio frequency. Dutch police say the man interrupted official broadcasts numerous times by belching on the air with loud disco music played in the background.

A DUMB CROOK NEWS FOLLOWUP REPORT
In May, we reported that Phoenix, Arizona police were seraching for a suspect in a series of bank robberies -- who they described as "a very ugly woman." The cops justified the unflattering description by explaining that every witness had used the phrase "very ugly woman," even adding "it might be an ugly man posing as an ugly woman." Last week, they arrested a a suspect shortly after a holdup at a bank branch inside a Phoenix grocery store. The unattractive woman confessed to what is believed to be her 13th robbery in the past four months...so the whole "ugly" story appears to finally be over.

AND FINALLY...
In Rockaway Township, New Jersey, a fourth-grade substitute teacher became indignant when the principal accused him of coming to class drunk. The man drove himself to a police station and demanded a breathalyzer test. He failed the test -- twice -- and was immediately arrested for DUI.