Criminally Moronic Tales

July 18, 1999

THINK OF IT AS A PUBLIC/PRIVATE EDUCATIONAL PARTNERSHIP
A middle schoolteacher in Miami has been arrested for bribery after one of his students claimed that the teacher accepted a payment of 20 dollars in lieu of a class assignment. The teacher's lawyer denies the incident, but does admit that his client charged students 50 cents for each trip they made to the bathroom and charged them a one-dollar rental fee for pencils and other school supplies. The lawyer says the teacher pocketed the money, but used it strictly to buy rulers and other school supplies, adding "I think he only collected 8 or 9 bucks total."

A NEIGHBORHOOD RESTRICTION WE CAN GET BEHIND
An attorney in Bakersfield, California claims he was discriminated against when Fairway Oaks, a new planned community, rejected his offer to buy a $149,000 "dream home." That's because although the subdivision allows almost anyone regardless of sex, race or religion to live there, it has a rule against selling to lawyers. The developer says its policy is based on the "sound business reason" that lawyers are more likely to sue and cause trouble, and thus is not prohibited under the California Civil Rights Act. The lawyer is suing, of course.

I CANNOT TELL A LIE..
A man escaped while being escorted to jail in St. Petersburg Florida recently. He was recaptured at a local hospital where he was seeking treatment for cuts on his feet. Police noted that when the man filled out the hospital forms, he had cited "escape from jail" as the reason for his injuries.

ONLINE SWINGER GETS CUT OFF AT HOME
A Grafton, Ohio woman tired of her husband's online chatting became a computer hacker -- literally. Police say the frustrated woman hacked the computer terminal to death with a meat cleaver as her husband tried to fend her off. The woman told police that her husband had been online until 4 a.m. the last several days talking to women. She pleaded no contest to domestic violence and resisting arrest charges and was fined $200.

FREEZE MOTHER-STICKERS -- THIS IS A...
A Boston bank robber approached the teller's window, produced a handgun and said loudly "THIS IS A HOLDUP--NOBODY MOVE!" But it was just not meant to be. Much to the man's chagrin, the five people in line behind him were armed FBI agents waiting to cash their paychecks. During his careful casing of the area, the robber had apparently failed to notice the FBI field office located two doors down from the bank.

HEY Y'ALL...WATCH THIS!
An amateur marksman in Guthrie, Oklahoma tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle. the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit a friend standing nearby. The friend suffered a fractured skull. The millipede escaped without injuries.

NEXT TIME...CALL ORKIN
A man in Elyria, Ohio, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, ditched his broom in favor of a propane torch -- causing a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

AND FINALLY...
Elgin, Illinois police report that their "ride-along" program, which allows citizens to accompany officers on patrol, has been successful in more ways that one. When a 19-year-old man showed up to take the tour recently, one of the detectives thought he looked familiar. The detective ran a computer check and discovered an outstanding arrest warrant for the man. The citizen got his ride in a squad car -- straight to jail.