Criminally Moronic Tales

May 17, 1999

Y'KNOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS WORSE THAN SECONDHAND SMOKE...
The owner of a New York computer company has filed a $12 million lawsuit against Air France after crew members heard a lavatory smoke detector go off, smashed open the door, pulled the man off the toilet and accused him of smoking on the flight. The man's attorney says the smoke detector turned out to be defective, and noted that his client had his pants down and was "in the process of going to the bathroom" when he "was viciously assaulted and physically attacked by several crew members who pulled him naked outside the bathroom exposing his private body parts to other passengers."

REEFERS AND ROOFERS
The Seminole County, Florida sheriff's department made two arrests recently -- without ever having to leave the county jail. The first came when a man walked into the lobby, asked to speak to "Dave," and lit up a marijuana cigarette. When the man turned to leave, deputies stopped him and asked him to empty his pockets. He was carrying a small bag of marijuana, and was taken into custody immediately. Later that same day, deputies made another arrest...on the jail's roof. The suspect -- who was wanted on a charge of selling goods stolen from a pawn shop -- was re-roofing the jail at the time of his arrest. His secret was discovered during a routine background check of everyone who does contract work for the county.

OOPS!
A man in Salisbury, North Carolina was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. The man swerved his car toward the side of the road, trying to run over a passing jogger. Bad idea: the jogger was an off-duty Rowan County Sherrif's Deputy. After dodging the vehicle, the deputy ran to his house, jumped into his patrol car, and arrested his attacker. By the way: believe it or not, the arresting officer's name is...Mike Brady.

COULDN'T BE ME...I WAS HOME MAKING GORILLA COOKIES
Police in Phoenix, Arizona are hunting for "a very ugly woman" in connection with a series of Arizona bank robberies. They explain the description by saying it's the best one they can come up with so far. "She's been described by every victim who's seen her as a very ugly woman," says an investigator with the Phoenix police department. The cop says investigators are keeping an open mind: "We haven't eliminated the possibility that it could be an ugly man posing as an ugly woman. You never can tell."

YOU'RE A BAAAAAAD MAN...
The sheep wore a dress. The goats were in shirts, pants, and hats. Police in Trinidad, Spain found the collection of well-dressed animals while investigating a complaint from a farmer, who said someone had stolen his animals. The officers went after a rental car in the area they spotted driving with its headlights off. When the driver abandoned the vehicle, officers found the sheep in the front seat, one goat in the back, and two more in the trunk. The cops say the thieves may have dressed the animals up to make them look like people.

A CRIME OF THE BOZO VARIETY
A Los Angeles man in a clown suit who had just finished performing at a children's birthday party didn't have a ride home, So he stole a car. police caught up with the man, who was wearing a costume described as "of the Bozo variety." He sped away, screaming and waving at television cameras as he circled several streets more than once. After a 35-minute chase, police arrested the man when he stopped at his girlfriend's house.

CROOKED COP HAS Y2K PROBLEM
A Bridgeport, Connecticut man had a very short career with the state police force -- he was arrested his first day on the job, just after typing his name into a computer. The man was being trained to use the system that holds records of outstanding police warrants. The system matched the man's name and birthdate to a warrant charging him with passing bad checks. He was arrested on the spot.

REVENGE ON THE TELEPERVERTS
A man in Vienna, Austria who made over 40,000 obscene phone calls over a three-year period was finally caught when he left his own home number with one of the victims. The woman says the man called her nearly every day for almost six months. She was able to get his number by telling him she was busy at the moment and would return his call when she had more time to talk.

IRONIC CROOK NEWS
Members of a citizens anticrime group in Linesville, Pennsylvania, have a real mystery on their hands: who stole all the crime watch signs? Five signs and their poles were removed from roadsides around town. The chairman of the crimewatch chapter speculates the theft may be the work of someone trying to get even.

WHEN YOU FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS...YOU STICK WITH IT
Police in Fort Collins, Colorado, charged a man with robbing the same 7-Eleven twice in one day. During the second robbery, the man told the clerk he would be back in a few hours to rob the place a third time. True to his word, he returned -- and was arrested by detectives still in the store investigating the second robbery.

SOMEBODY TELL THIS GUY WHAT "MESSY" MEANS
A man in Port Orange, Florida was arrested for attacking his family with a butcher knife. The man told police that he was distraught over his failing marriage, and went after his wife and two daughters with a meat cleaver because he "wanted to avoid a messy divorce."

AND FINALLY...
A suspect in a robbery was arrested at Florida's Miami Shores Country Club, where he had been hiding from police in a ficus tree next to the golf course. He gave himself away when he called out to a golfer who hit into the rough, "Hey, hey -- your ball is over there."