Criminally Moronic Tales

April 28, 1999

MAYBE THIS GUY SHOULDN'T BE WORKING WITH TOOLS AT ALL...
A Marietta, Ohio man was arrested for breaking into a house and stealing some of the owner's tools. Newspaper reports say the man gained entry into the house by sliding a personal identification card into the door lock. Unfortunately for him, the card broke off, leaving the part of the card with his signature on it stuck in the lock. It didn't take police long to catch up with him and charge him with residential burglary.

VERY SMOOTH, EGGHEAD
A La Wanda, Georgia woman reported being assaulted in her home by a family friend. After forcing his way into the house, the man told the woman he wanted "all the money she had" and hit her under the chin. The woman rummaged around the house and managed to come up with $2.50 in change. After taking the money, the man said he was hungry. The woman told him to help himself to two hard-boiled eggs she had just made. The man took the eggs, made two telephone calls, and on his way out the door, socked the woman in the chin again. He was arrested at a nearby mobile home a short time later.

HE ALSO HAS A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR"
A West Virginia state liquor inspector got in hot water after being arrested for driving under the influence. The official was stopped for going 90 in a 65 m.p.h zone. The investigating officer smelled alcohol and noticed the suspect's eyes were bloodshot. he failed a field sobriety test and refused to take the breathalyzer. A spokesman for the West Virginia governor's office said "it is not proper for a liquor inspector to be driving drunk."

DUMB ANIMAL NEWS
A New York man has filed a lawsuit against the Bronx Zoo after gorillas there pelted his son with rocks on two separate visits. The first incident so traumatized the boy that he needed psychiatric counselling. A year later, Dad took the boy back to the zoo on the advice of his therapist, only to have him pelted again. The zoo, which has assured the man that the apes' antics are nothing personal, declined to comment publicly. Ironically, the man had made the first trip to the zoo hoping to cure his daughter of her fear of animals.

DUMB ZOOKEEPER NEWS
Two employees of the Sedgewick County Zoo in Wichita, Kansas were suspended after winning a radio station promotion. The contest asked participants to share the wildest stunt they would do to win tickets to the NCAA Final Four basketball tournament. The winners sent a videotape that showed one of them pulling a can of soda from the rear end of a cow and drinking from the can. The Zoo's director said the pair were suspended from their jobs pending an investigation, and that the cow in the video was not a zoo animal.

DUMB ANIMAL ACTIVIST NEWS
Animal rights protestors "liberated" an estimated 6000 minks from mink ranches around England last year. In the following weeks, there were dozens of reports of minks attacking and killing dogs, cats, hamsters, chickens, and several protected species of birds in a sanctuary. Many of the minks themselves also ended up dead, some killed by people protecting their animals, some in fights with other minks. And a few of the minks reportedly died from the stress of being released into the wild.

LIGHTEN UP, MARILYN
77-year-old Harvey Ball, the man who designed the world-famous smiley face, is having a feud with shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. Manson stormed off the stage during a concert in Cedar Rapids, Iowa after someone put a large yellow smiley face sticker on one of his stage props. This prompted a riot that led to 23 people being arrested. Mr. Ball says he's proud of the use of his famous smiley face, and he's sending Manson an autographed smiley face pin with the words "Lighten up, Marilyn" written on it. Ball also says he hopes Manson doesn't have any concerts booked on October 1st -- that's the date of the next "World Smile Day."

BUT THE DOG WAS SCARED TO DEATH...
Police in Buenos Aires, Argentina arrested a blind man for driving a pickup truck with the help of his 13-year-old daughter. witnesses say the daughter was acting as a guide and steering the car while Dad changed gears and worked the gas and brake. An investigator says the man was actually doing fairly well until he made a few abrupt moves that caught the attention of a passing patrol car.

AH...SO YOU'RE A CRIMINAL ATTORNEY
A law student at Columbia University will have a tough time passing the bar exam -- he's behind bars. The student was arrested for paying his law school tuition by running a cocaine-smuggling operation.

PARDON THE PUN BUT...SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
The Texas Commission for the Blind paid $55,000 to settle a lawsuit filed by two of its employees -- who are blind. The complaint? The commission issues printed employee manuals, but did not make a Braille or large-type version for its own workers.

IRONIC CROOK NEWS
A New York man died while breaking into a gift shop in Brooklyn. The man was attempting to gain entry from the roof of the building when he caught his sweater on a piece of metal and strangled himself. The name of the store? "The Dum-Dum Boutique."

AND FINALLY...
A woman in Grand Forks, North Dakota was testifying at the trial of two men accused of beating her up and robbing her at gunpoint. The woman burst into tears as she described the ordeal. The prosecutor listened intently to the story, paused, then asked "And are the two perpetrators of this terrible crime present in the courtroom today?" immediately, The defendants both raised their hands and said "Here!"