Criminally Moronic Tales

April 09, 1999

WATCH FOR FALLING PRICES -- AND FLYING LEAD!
A man was shot in the face outside a Wal-Mart in Conyers, Georgia during a brawl that began after two shopping carts ran into each other in the checkout line. Police said the man and a friend were standing in line when their shopping cart was apparently bumped by the cart of two other men. The bumpees took offense and said they would meet the other men outside. once Outside, one of the bumpees hit one of the bumpers with a tire iron, and the other bumpee pulled a gun and shot the other bumper in the face.

BUCKING THE SYSTEM
A 70-year-old New York man, upset with the service at a stamford, connecticut bank, got even by dragging a dead deer into the bank. the man got into an argument with a teller over a clerical mistake with his checking account. Because he was unhappy with the teller, he went home, got the deer carcass and brought it into her office. When police arrived, they convinced the man to take the carcass outside. Then, they charged him with breach of the peace.

THE GOOD NEWS? NOW THERE ARE TWO LESS BANJOS
A 63-year-old West Milton, Ohio man bludgeoned his wife to death with a pair of banjos. one investigator said: "I've been an officer for 30 years, and that's the first banjo killing I've seen." the banjo smasher has been charged with aggravated murder. When the first banjo broke while he was striking the woman, the man got a second banjo and continued the assault.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS...?
A middle-aged Croatian man, distraught over his recent medical problems, decided to commit suicide. Despite his best eforts, the man somehow wound up with only minor injuries. Reports say the man had complained he had difficulty breathing but doctors apparently refused to operate on him. He then said he would perform the operation himself, his neighbors said. The man stabbed himself with a butcher's knife, set his apartment on fire and then jumped out of a first-floor window...yet ended up with only a cut to his stomach and a broken leg.

I SEE A LONG JOURNEY UP A RIVER IN YOUR FUTURE...
A 26-year-old Modesto, California man was convicted of drug trafficking and faces a minimum 10 years in prison. Before the trial, the man rejected a plea bargain that would have given him only 2 years in prison because, before his trial, a psychic he consulted had assured him that he would be acquitted. (In fairness to the psychic, however, the defendant did have an opportunity to buy a curse on the prosecutor -- for $8,000 -- but declined.)

FROM THE DUMB CROOK HALL OF FAME
In June 1992, police recovered a stolen 1980 Jaguar in mint condition -- with 82 miles on the odometer -- in the back yard of a man in Fairfax Station, Virginia. The car had been reported stolen from a Chevrolet dealer in Arlington on July 1, 1980, and apparently had not been driven at all since then.

THE BIG SLEEP
An Inmate filed a lawsuit against the federal correctional center at Fort Dix, New Jersey for its failure to treat his sleep apnea, a condition that causes loud snoring. He said he needs treatment especially because he is vulnerable to getting beaten up by other inmates because his snoring keeps them up at night. (At his last facility, the man says he was knocked from his bunk, had water dumped on him, and had his bed set on fire.)

HAVE A YABBA DABBA DUUU TIME...
A man in the Netherlands had his pilot's privileges restored by an airport there after a court ruled the airport had gone too far in punishing him for abusing radio frequencies. the man was notorious for tying up air traffic controllers' channels by singing the theme song to "The Flintstones" in English for up to 20 minutes at a time.

IMAGINE IF HE'D BEEN A CAR THIEF
An enraged mob in Cameroon caught a man stealing a chicken, surrounded him, and forced him to eat the bird: meat, feathers, bones and beak. Shortly afterwards the thief -- named only as Henri -- went to a local police station in the city of Douala, where he collapsed...and died.

AND FINALLY...
On October 18, 1998, Banks and credit unions were closed for Columbus Day. but that didn't stop two men from trying to rob the Fairwinds Federal Credit Union in Fern Park, Florida. The would-be robbers apparently didn't realize the credit union was closed for the holiday. The men wore masks, hoods, gloves and dark clothing, and one was carrying a bag. One of the men, who was armed with a hand gun, pulled on the front door so hard the frame bent. A carpet installer who was working inside told them the credit union was closed, and the two fled.