Criminally Moronic Tales

March 22, 1999

VENGEANCE IS MINE, SAITH THE IDIOT
A Pennsylvania man's lawsuit naming God as a defendant has been thrown out of court in Syracuse, New York. The man blames God for failing to bring him justice in a 30-year battle with his former employer, who fired him in 1968. According to the suit, "Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe, and took no corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the plaintiff's life." The man was demanding that God return his youth and grant him the musical skills of several famous guitarists, along with resurrecting his mother and his pet pigeon. The suit also named Presidents Reagan and Bush, the television networks, all 50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th through 105th U.S. Congresses as defendants. The man further argued that if God failed to appear in court, rules of federal procedure say He must lose by default. Last week, a judge ruled the case to be frivilous. God was unavailable for comment.

SAFETY FIRST, I ALWAYS SAY...
Two men who were paid to help stash some of the loot from the infamous Loomis-Fargo armored car heist got prison terms in a Charlotte, North Carolina courtroom recently. One of the men contributed yet another humorous twist to the case -- spectators and court officials broke into laughter when the man's attorney admitted that his client reported his share of the loot as income on his federal tax return.

MOVE IT, OR I'LL BLOW YOUR "HEAD" OFF
A drunken man angered by a slow-flushing restaurant toilet pulled a semi-automatic handgun and shot it to pieces during a recent St. Patrick's Day party in Sherrville, Indiana. "He said it didn't flush fast enough for him, so he fired it up," said an investigator. "Fortunately, he was in there by himself. He was highly intoxicated."

HEY Y'ALL -- WATCH THIS!
A 23-year-old man in Craig, Colorado shot himself after trying to poach an elk near a railroad track. The man was lying beside the track and resting the barrel of his rifle on the rail when he spotted the elk. His shot missed the elk but hit the other rail four feet away, causing the bullet to bounce back and hit him in the face.

WHO'S THE REAL "FAMILY IDIOT" HERE?
Canadian author Robert Lannon has been arrested and charged with making death threats against his estranged brother Art. The threats were in the form of several explicit references to Art being murdered in Robert's new novel called "The Return of the Family Idiot." Robert is asking that case be dropped because of a disclaimer in the front of the book that states that any resemblance between a character and a real person is strictly coincidental.

NICE MOVE, CHEETAH
A man with a gorilla mask was arrested for robbing an adult video store in Alberta, Canada. The clerk got a pretty good look at the thief despite the mask -- since he was carrying it under his arm, and forgot to put it on until after he had picked up the money and cut the telephone line.

HEY -- MOST STORES WON'T EVEN BREAK A FIFTY...
International Dumb Crook News: A woman in Colombo, Sri Lanka was arrested and charged with trying to pass an American one-million-dollar bill. (in case you're wondering, there is no such bill.) To try to make the scheme more believeable, the woman also offered a "certificate of authenticity" signed by officials of something called the "International Association of Millionaires."

FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKER -- THIS IS A...
A San Francisco man was arrested after a botched attempt at armed robbery of a cab driver. While holding a meat cleaver to the driver's neck, the man grabbed the driver's money, then flung the rear door open to get away. Police say the door struck a parking meter and sprang back toward the thief, hitting him in the head and knocking him out.

AND FINALLY...
The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals rejected the argument of a defendant that a particular piece of evidence against him at trial should not have been admitted. The prosecutor argued that that information was properly admitted under the traditional doctrine of admitting a defendant's "excited utterances." The controversy was over testimony from a police officer that the defendant, immediately upon his arrest, had defecated in his pants.