Criminally Moronic Tales

February 02, 1999

WONDER HOW HE FEELS ABOUT LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT?
A police officer in Panama City, Florida was seen as a victim when he reported being shot in the line of duty -- but the tune changed a short time later when he admitted he'd actually shot himself. The ten-year veteran says he wanted to find a way out of the police business without looking like a coward, so he shot his own bulletproof vest to make it look like he'd been attacked. He pled guilty, got a year's probation, and will have to reimburse the city for the 400 dollars it spent investigating his case.

CALIFORNIA RAISIN IN COLORADO CRIME SPREE
A 70-year-old woman in Fort Lupton, Colorado was arrested after a bank robbery recently. Police say the woman, who stands 4-foot-11, was wearing a garbage bag over her head, with holes cut out for her arms and eyes. Eyewitnesses said the disguise left the woman almost completely covered as she made her getaway. Police say the woman is also a suspect in another robbery in the area, which was pulled by...a small woman wearing a garbage bag.

DIDN'T TAKE A MIND READER TO SEE THIS COMING...
Police in Leesburg, Virginia say a crook there took a break during a residential burglary to make a telephone call, which proved to be his undoing. the homeowner later discovered a 250-dollar telephone charge to a psychic hotline for a consultation that had been made from his house the night of the burglary. he called the hotline company and was able to get the name of the caller -- who had used his real name while talking to the psychic. He was arrested a short time later.

Y'KNOW MOM...YOU'RE A REAL MOTHER...
A Talahassee, Florida man completely bungled an attempted robbery at a biker bar. The neatly dressed man entered the Salty Dawg Pub & Deli with his hand in his pocket and threatened an employee working in the kitchen. The employee didn't believe the man was really armed, and alerted the othrs in the bar so they could get a good look at him. him. As a a bartender headed to the phone to call police, the robber turned and ran out the door. Police say instead of disappearing into the night, the man crossed the street, went into a Baskin-Robbins, and called his mother to come and pick him up. The capper? Instead of picking Sonny up, Mom called the Tallahassee police, who moved in and arrested him at Baskin-Robbins.

THE MASTERMIND? GEE...WE DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ONE...
Three people in Albany, Georgia were arrested in connection with a kidnapping scheme -- though "scheme" is probably too strong a word for it. Police say the trio nabbed their victim as he was leaving the Albany mall, and ordered him to drive to an ATM and withdraw some money. The man told them he didn't have any money in the bank, but he did have some at home. The crooks drove the man to his house and waited while he went inside. While in the house -- yes you guessed it -- the man called police.

Y'KNOW...NOT EVERYBODY'S CUT OUR FOR A LIFE OF CRIME...
A Union, South Carolina man walked up to a convenience store counter with his hands under his shirt as if he had a gun and demanded money. When the clerk told him she wouldn't give him any money and would ring the store's alarm, the man burst into tears and ran out of the store.

HARD HAT -- HARDER HEAD
A convenience store robber in Fort Smith, Arkansas had several things going against him. The clerk identified him from a police lineup. He had been captured on the store's surveilance camera. Oh -- and at the time of the robbery, he was wearing a construction helmet with his name stencilled on the front of it.

BUT HE PROMISED HE WAS A REAL LIVE EXPERT!
Prosecutors in Broward County, Florida are understandably upset after paying a man 200 dollars an hour for his expert testimony in various drug trials. It turns out that the man had forged his credentials, is not a drug expert, never went to college, and actually works in a bagel shop.

A gang of thieves in the small Russian city of Satka used some high-tech support for a warehouse robbery -- a little too high tech, as it turned out. The gang split up into two groups, one group carrying out the break-in while the other acted as lookouts. They were caught when police intercepted their walkie talkie transmissions. the cops could hardly miss them -- the crooks were communicating on the police band frequency.

DUMB PROTEST NEWS
obbyists for something called "the Working Group For The Unemployed" held a series of rallies in Bonn, Germany to demand six weeks of paid vacation for...people who are out of work. The group says the unemployed are often under greater stress than those with jobs, and thus need a longer holiday.

THE OKLAHOMA CHAINSAW MASSACRE
A Stilwell, Oklahoma man, who has been blind since birth, defended himself during a break-in at his home with the only thing he could find -- a chainsaw. Both intruders were hospitalized.

AND FINALLY...
A Lanham, Maryland man was killed when he lost control of his motorcycle in an alcohol-related accident. Four hours earlier, the man had been driven home from his part-time job, which was to get drunk at a police training class so officers could practice doing sobriety tests on him.